Looking at the truth in your life story

I have really loved what I learned from reading Loving What Is by Byron Kate.  One of the first things to do in the book is to write down a blaming letter towards someone who we perceive has hurt us. Then after writing the letter, tear it down and turn it around.

We look at four questions: Is it true, Can you absolutely know that it’s true? How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? Who would you be without the thought?

So take a favorite argument that you recently had with someone that you love or think you love.

For example: “You are too demanding.”

To begin with, look at it in more depth: You demand too much of my….now really focus on what you feel is being demanded of you. Is it your time, money, your emotional commitment or anything else you think is being required from you?  Write exactly you think or feel is being demanded from you. It can be more than one thing.

Now, turn it around and look at it from another angle: I demand too much from myself. This is just another way to say, “I am not good enough.”

And turn it around again: I demand too much from you (meaning the person you are having this discussion with) or I demand too much from everyone in general.

Now look at all three with the words “my thoughts”

My thoughts are that you are too demanding.

Turn it around: My thoughts lead me to demand too much from myself.

Turn it around again: My thoughts demand too much from you or from everyone in general.

Now when you read these ask yourself on each line, Is it true: Is it really true, how do you react and feel when you believe that thought, and who would you be without that thought.  Sit and really ponder on which thought is really true and for the negative thoughts, really focus on how you would feel if you didn’t have that thought.

If the thought isn’t true, if it is something that you know isn’t true about you or the other person, let it go. Don’t bother focusing on it. Just say to yourself, this isn’t true because I have value, I am good enough. Or you can say that the other person isn’t demanding these things from me, it is just my perception. Then just let go.  Rewrite the story of this relationship and who you are with true thoughts and feelings.

If it is true, then you need to focus on how you would feel if you stopped reacting to the demands. Tell the other person how you are feeling, what you need in order to feel at peace. If the demanding behavior isn’t going to change then accept it with love and peace. Don’t argue internally or externally with the other person.  Realize they are who they are, and you can love them that way, or let them go. Sometimes letting someone you love go to live their life without you is the best thing for yourself. It is hard, but in time you will be healthier and happier.